


Shitty Existence

by Jez



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-08
Updated: 2013-10-08
Packaged: 2017-12-28 21:17:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/996806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jez/pseuds/Jez
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hanji couldn't help but look down and study her own chest. She had never cared about it, actually, she had always being proud of it, after all; her balance and style was flawless as a ballerina, thanks to it. She continued her way but soon she noticed the chest of every female in the dinning room. The squad leader gulped and stopped her walk. Suddenly, she felt her cheeks getting hot, she couldn't face Levi like that, she thought. As a good leader she knew when to retreat, turned around and left as quickly as she could without causing a commotion.</p><p>Self-doubt, renewed self-respect, friendship turning into something else, first kiss, etc.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shitty Existence

It's not like he was her boyfriend or anything; sometimes she had doubts if they where even friends at all. Of course, Corporal Levi spent a lot of time with her, and his treatment towards her was quite different from others, but the fact that he tend to say mean things sometimes made Hanji wonder if it was his way of being friendly or he actually disliked her.

She couldn't recall when she started to like him in such way. She enjoy greatly how easy he could be bothered by little details, so teasing him was one of the mandatory parts of her schedule. However, one day, that desire to bother him turned into need of seeing him at least once a day. Today was no exception. The squad leader knew that the Corporal had spend the night in the headquarters and that he wasn't going to be deployed yet, so as a good thinker, she inferred her favorite "humanity's best" was going to have breakfast along with his squad.

Hanji entered the dining room and automatically turned her sight to the table at the corner. Naturally, he was there, Petra at his right, and Auruo in front of him. She walked towards them trying to avoid his sight, so that she could surprise him. Soon she noticed that Levi was watching towards her. The researcher made a grin of defeat as she was spotted, but as she continued her way she understood the Lance Corporal was not looking at her, but at a soldier sat across the hall. Hanji inspected her by the corner of the eye and figured why Levi was staring so deeply at her chest.

The girl was enormous, she thought, well, for the recon corps she was. Hanji couldn't help but look down and study her own chest. She had never cared about it, actually, she had always being proud of it, after all; her balance and style was flawless as a ballerina, thanks to it. She continued her way but soon she noticed the chest of every female in the dinning room. The squad leader gulped and stopped her walk. Suddenly, she felt her cheeks getting hot, she couldn't face Levi like that, she thought. As a good leader she knew when to retreat, turned around and left as quickly as she could without causing a commotion.

Levi realized that Hanji was leaving and wondered why she hadn't administered him his daily dosis of pranks and teasing. Probably she had forgotten something, he inferred.  
"Corporal, are you done?" Petra asked with a smile.  
"I want more tea, you go ahead." He replied. The squad did as told and soon Levi was left alone waiting for the prankster to come back.

-

"That stupid midget..." Hanji babbled. "I should have known he was just like everybody else..."  
"Squad leader, are you okay?" Moblit asked, he just started to walk by her side. "I know that the results haven't been that good but don't stress out, please."  
"Eh? Ah... Yes, yes, don't worry it has nothing to do with our research." She wondered if Moblit noticed the color of her cheeks. "Is Erwin in his office?"  
"Commander Erwin? Yes." The soldier answered.  
"Ok, then, please come with me, Moblit." She had to leave soon, wait no; she had nothing to be ashamed of. She kept changing her opinion and soon realized her embarrassment turned into anger.  
"Squad leader, are you okay?"  
"Yes. I. Am." Hanji replied, scaring Moblit with her signature murderer sight. Soon they arrived at Erwin's office, she entered without knocking. The commander thought Hanji (who was the only one who entered his office right away when she had great news) was there to tell him about a discovery. Her expression corrected him.  
"Hanji, how can I help you?" Erwin asked, as a good leader he knew how to figure out what his comrades needed even if they tried to hide it, as it was the case. "Just name it." He smiled.  
"I would like to request permission to make an expedition to complete my research." She asked seriously.  
"I'm sorry, Hanji, but right now it is not the best moment." Erwin explained. "However, if you don't mind, I was asked to provide a squad to go help the people that lost their homes during the fire that took place out of town." Hanji's expression softened, making Erwin knew that he was correct; she needed to get out for somedays. "I know it won't help to your research, but you will be able to clear your mind. Sometimes, that what a scientist need, am I right?"  
"Yes, thank you, Erwin."

-

"That woman... Who does she think she is? ...making me wait for so long…!" Levi cursed one time and another as he placed his hand on the doorknob. "Shitty glasses! Are you taking a long dump or what?!" He entered the empty room. "She's not here..." He whispered to himself.  
"You should learn how to knock." An unknown serious voice said. The Corporal turned around and to his surprise Hanji was the source of it. Surprisingly, for the first time, Levi felt really small as Hanji looked down at him with such anger.  
"...shitty glasses... Are you okay...?" He asked concerned.  
"Get the hell out of my room; I'm not in the mood for your stupid names!" She started to push the Corporal out. Usually, under such situation, Levi would punch some sense to his comrades (any of them, regardless gender) but he was so shocked because of her reaction to even try to put a hand on her, before he could say anything, she closed the door behind him.  
Levi's cheeks turned pink as he noticed that for the first time in years, for merely seconds, he was frightned.

-

The day before Hanji's squad was scheduled to leave; she and her men had breakfast on their table. Most people didn't notice that her cheerful words and actions where not genuine, except for Erwin, Moblit and Mike. Levi left his squad and sit at the table with Hanji's squad. She didn't look at him and instead continued an anecdote she was telling to embarrasse Moblit. That was the moment when Erwin figured Hanji was avoiding the Corporal.

"Mike, remeber before the fall of Wall Maria...?" Erwin started.  
"Hm…"  
"How the five of us sat together?"  
"Levi and Hanji were always so noisy." Mike said.  
"Well..." Erwin looked at the leaders across the hall; Mike understood and did the same, to his surprise, Hanji and Levi were not arguing. "What do you think Mike? Could it be those two are finally maturing?"  
"She's angry at him." Mike replied. "VERY angry."  
"Do you have idea why?" Mike just shrugged. "Maybe I should talk to him."  
"Let them figure it out themselves, Commander."

-

"Why is she so angry?" Levi murmured to himself as he walked around the headquarters. "I haven't done anything different, have I? ...damn shitty glasses, just when I thought she was easy to figure out..." Suddenly, a familiar look caught the short young man's attention. "Hey!" He called the blonde soldier of the other time.  
Hanji, her men and Nanaba where passing by, taking to copy the large amount of journals the squad leader has filled. She looked at Levi running towards the blonde girl and huffed.  
"Are you okay, Hanji?" Nanaba whispered to the other with soft voice.  
"I... no." The young woman replied.  
"Don't worry. Levi is a good person." Nanaba explained softly.  
"H-How do you?" Hanji almost exclaimed.  
"We have known for a lot of time, Hanji."  
"We?"  
"Erwin, Mike and me... The five of us are family, dear Hanji, we have been through much. There's hardly something we don't know about each other."  
"Well, if Levi knows, then he is an asshole." The researcher pouted.

-

She was gone for two weeks. A fire didn't sound like a big deal, but under those circumstances it soon became a health hazard. It was long ago that Hanji has been in those lands, her town. Not many people knew she was born there, when she was 14 her family moved to the city. There were many familiar faces, but no one seemed to recognize her. Maybe it wasn't just her chest; maybe her very existance was invisible. Perhaps, all this time, she was loud because she feared a null existence. That didn't help her current mood. She had been thinking a lot about her person, for the first time she criticized her body, her expressions, her attitude, everything in her make her feel nauseous.

As Nanaba said, she knew her well and once in a while she hugged Hanji and hummed in her ear just like a mother did with her child. The older woman knew letting Hanji deal with those problems by herself was the best, but it pained her to see the squad leader in such way.  
"Remember the day Wall Rose fall?" Nanaba asked.  
"I would rather not." Hanji answered a little absent minded.

-

3 years ago...

No one in the recon corps expected what was coming, not even the very best: Erwin, Mike, Nanaba, Hanji and Levi. Erwin had just become squad leader after his predecessor's breakdown. Everyone's spirit was down after the last mission and the inhability of their leader to confront Moses' mother. There was a grim sentiment in the air, when it happened.

It took some hours for Mike, Nanaba and Levi to reach Erwin's squad. As usual, Hanji was more concerned of killing titans instead of caring to protect the escaping citizens. Little by little, the citizen moved to Wall Sina while the recon corp, along with the police forces kept the incoming titans from attacking the civilians.

"Shitty glasses!" Levi exclaimed as he arrived to the roof where Hanji was on.  
"Hey, midget, what took you guys so long?"  
"We just came from the HQ in Sina, be thankful we arrived to save your sorry asses in just a couple of hours."  
"Whatever, shortie... Remember me how the score ended up last time."  
"4 vs. 3, favor me."  
"So little? I could have sworn it was much more."  
"You kept distracting me, fool." The boy huffed.  
"Excuses…!" The wind blow towards them, taking with it the screams and crying of other soldiers, it was not time to fool around. "Hey, Levi..." She mumbled loud enough to get the other's attention. Levi turned his face towards hers and with no warning the girl kissed him.  
"Shitty glasses! What was that for?!"  
"I figured you might have never kissed someone in your life, better do it now, after all, you might die today!" Hanji activated her 3DM gear and jumped, leaving Levi behind.  
"Me?! How about you, dumb specs?!" He followed.  
"We are all going to die, Levi! Can't you feel it? It is the end of the world!"

-

As the days went by, regardless the titanless nights, the exodus to Wall Sina was slow and cruel. The Scouting Legion was diminished to a 5% the last time they checked. Even if the Wall was just a couple of kilometers away, the movement was far from completed. Levi, Mike and Nanaba had already reached the Wall along with the group of civilians they were protecting. More people were arriving but there were no soldiers guiding them. The three of them refilled their gas and came back to Wall Maria to help.

There was just enough gas to return to Wall Sina one more time. They waited patiently, for more of their comrades to come back, but several hours passed with no sign of them. The sky turned red, as night was approaching, when the sound of a multitude ran towards the gate of Sina, Erwin guiding them from the roof.

"Don't stop! Keep running! We are almost there!" The squad leader commanded. Unlike the first group that reached Wall Sina, these people weren't even carrying food, even less clothes or other material things. A deviant titan jumped towards the people but was stopped by Erwin before another casualty could take place. Before crossing the gate, Erwin looked back at the corpse of his defeated comrades, closed his eyes and made a small reverence before leaving to safety.

Nanaba was covering a small cut in Mike's hand while handing Levi a bottle of alcohol. As soon as Erwin entered the tent where the hurted people were tended, the soldiers ran towards him.  
"Erwin!" Mike and Nanaba exclaimed in unison.  
"Are you hurt?" She asked.  
"No... How many have returned?" The three soldiers looked at each other. "Only the four of us…" Erwin's blood got cold.  
"Where's Hanji?" Levi asked.  
"She was behind me..." Erwin answered looking down in shame.

-

They couldn't wait any longer. The gate had to be shut down. Several voices begged for more time, hoping their loved ones to arrive soon. What was left of the recon corps, after so many days of pain with little reward, stood close to the entrance, their hope crushed after realizing the Scouting Legion was hurtfully mutilated. One of the officers gave the order, and the gate was closed little by little. Just a few meters it reached the ground a couple of shadows appeared from between the buildings.  
"Wait!" Hanji shouted as a kid ran in front of her as she carried his brother on her back. "Can't you hear me assholes!!! Wait for them!!!"  
"Hanji!" Erwin shouted as soon as the scouts recognized her.  
"Keep it open!" Levi shouted to the police above the wall. "Don't close it!"  
The running kid moved faster and managed to reach the other side of the gate. Hanji knew she was not going to make it. She took the boy on her back by the arm, took impulse and threw him to the entrance moments before it got closed. She was left behind in the devastation.  
"Hanji!" Levi shouted as he reached the officer that gave the order to close the gate and started to punch him with all his might. "Do you have any idea of who you let die there?! Do you have any idea, piece of shit?!" Nanaba and Mike took Levi by the arms to keep him from killing the man. Erwin decided to let him be.

-

She heard the steps coming her way; she had not weapons, no gas, no hope. She wondered how bad it was going to be. Were they going to break her bones before devouring her? Was she going to be ripped apart? The best option was to get her head crushed before anything else could be done to her. She hid inside a building as soon as she saw an enormous shadow. Hanji thought for a moment that she was only extending her life for a couple of minutes.

She noticed the crying of a man in the second floor. She followed the voice, if she was going to die soon it was better to die in company. She found him right away.  
"Hughie?" Hanji recognized him. She looked at his 3DM, it had some gas left. "Hugh! You have gas, we have to hurry! The Wall is close; you can go to the other side and bring me a refilled 3D... Hughie…?" The man was in shock. The only movement in his body was his shacking. "Come on, Hugh. Pull yourself together, man." She put an arm on and pulled him up. "Come'on you have survived even worst!"  
"NO!" Hugh pushed the girl away leaving his gear on the floor, blade in his hand.  
"Silence..." She whispered as she figured his shouting might have guided the titans to their way. "Calm down... We are getting out of this alive, ok? We are going to be okay Hugh." He started to sob and mucus ran down his nose. "You will see your family again. Trust me." He moved up his blade. "Trust me..." Put it in the neck. "Please, Hugh, trust me..." A quick slash and it was over. "No!" Hanji falll on her knees and tried to block the gruesome image from her mind. Some tears started to flow from her eyes. "Trust... me..."  
She took Hugh's gear and put it on. If she was lucky she could wait till night and use it to climb the Wall. The scout looked out the window to inspect the sky, when a giant arm pushed its way through it.  
"FUCK!" She exclaimed.

She ran out of the house knowing she could not use the gear till she reach closer to Sina. Two titans followed her, while the third was stucked in the window. Hanji sweared a thousand times as she got closer to her objective. She activated the 3DM gear and got pulled up the wall. A hand tried to reach her but failed for a couple of centimeters. She saw the other side of Wall Sina; the vast city was bright under the hiding sun. Her body and gear failed and got throw several meters away in the air but inside the Wall. She fell on a roof and lost consciousness after the many concusions she suffered.

-

"I bet those kids remeber you with joy." Nanaba said.  
"Not the little one, when I threw him I broke his arm." Hanji explained.  
"Don't be such a pessimist, Hanji." The older woman helped the researcher pulling a heavy log. "You have no idea of how glad we where when we saw you flying inside the Wall."  
Hanji tried to keep from laughing at the idea but couldn't resist the urge. Her laugh was heard several meters away making her comrade smile as well. Perhaps her existance had a reason to be.

-

They arrived to the HQ at night. Nanaba went direct to the library, knowing Mike wanted to chat after so many days without seeing each other. Moblit went with the rest of the squad to party at a close bar. Certainly, being away from such stressful scenes and having their old leader back put them in a good mood. Hanji went to her room. It was long ago since she had written her ideas down and she didn't want to miss anything.

After a couple of minutes, she saw a shadow behind her door. The person behind put a hand on the doorknob and a fist against the door; he didn’t know if he should open it right away or knock first. He decided to just open it.  
"Shitty glasses."  
"Oh... Levi, what are you doing up so late?"  
"Had to give you this." He extended his arm and let a necklace hang of his fingers.  
"What is that?"  
"A necklace, stupid."  
"A know it is a neckalce! But why are you giving it to me?"  
"I saw the other day a female scout was wearing a necklace of a yellow stone. I thought it was going to suit you more than her. Asked her where she got it, and looked for the stone."  
"You..." She took the necklace. "Thanks, Levi."  
"Don't mention it, even you need some glamour on your shitty self." He looked away from her. Levi started to get out of the room when Hanji cleared her throat.

"So, shortie, what do you think of breasts?" She asked with a smile on her face.  
"I like them as long as there's no skin on it." He answered thinking she meant chicken breast.  
"I mean women breasts! How big do you like them?"  
"Women breast…? What I am? A child? I have no such fixations, shitty glasses."


End file.
